In Control

I cannot be with anyone.

Inside I feel such pain. I don’t know why nor where it comes from, but it manifests in this strange urge to eschew company. I haven’t spent much time around anyone in months. The days stretch long and open, I wake when I wish, sleep when its needed, eat for pleasure not routine. My life revolves around three solid things, my healing, distractions, and love.

This love is novel. I remain unfamiliar with this type of love.  It is unique in that it is singular to me.  I am the only recipient.  I am the only source.  I am in control of its generation.  I bask in the flow.  And this is my joy and regret.

I feel joy I have learned this,  it is almost a new skill.  It is almost a new dawn in my life. But I also miss being loved by another.  I miss it.

This missing drives me to peruse online profiles but this habit has become a source of pain for me.  I peruse and it gets stronger and stronger in my chest,  a feeling of unease so great it feels like a stone covers my heart center…

And I am alone again.

I close the application  and I am able to breathe through the pain.  I have learned not to fight it.  Pain exists. And it has just as much a right to exist as anything.  It even has a purpose.  But it doesn’t feel nice to cry and not know why. To poke around inside my head, berate my psyche, interrogate the evasive me,  this is futile for I feel I have gotten somewhere …

… and I turn around the next day to discover I have only gone in circles.  I am enough for myself and that is it.  I only have myself and that is it.

And I am both content and ill content with that.

I would love to have dates,  so I say this.  Then it becomes untrue. This wretched thing come up,  overcomes me it,  and I find I am fighting fear more frightening that any first date.  Why.  Why can I not move on and get on with it.  It feels like my life is on hold waiting for itself to begin.  It feels like love,  the concept of it sung in song and tale,  seeps away into the cracks between memories.

Soon it will be gone I think.  Loving her was so distinct but now it fades.  And I am left alone.

I am reminded of last loves.  The strong ones,  the ones worth the bitter ends they became.

She remains a hollow in my memory,  a holy thing,  a fragile love. And so much anger builds behind it,  for I am forced to think of the good times with the bad.  After all she did not treat me with courtesy.  I didn’t know it then but I know it now.  I treat myself now as she should have done and wish I had known better.  If I had known how to treat myself then she would have known how to treat me.

And the anger fades.  I take responsibility back and it fades and I am grateful for the lesson learned.  And I miss her a bit more with the knowledge.

I cannot be with anyone yet,  because the pain is still too great even now.  She does hold that place,  it’s been a year.  But I cannot let go so another could claim it.  I cannot let go.  I am afraid to let go.  I fear unlearning the love I hold now.  I fear unloving myself when I lose the love of her.  I fear being alone with a lonely me instead of one eschewing company.  It is almost better to pine than it is to be loved.

Here I at least have control of my heart.

 

 

Dear X,

So randomly I found myself downloading Twitter of all things. I suppose I just felt the need to get back in touch with the world. I’ve sorta eschewed social media for the last six months. It’s better this way I figure, these people aren’t my real friends. Real friends call and visit and care and stuff. Why should I post shit for them to see when they are just … Fake. Facebook is not a place for real friends I’ve found. Once they get you friended they fade into this background wall of plural-ness. I’m reminded of the worms Urusla turned the merpeople into. Plus my ex is on Facebook and she … Is a source of great thrill and anxiety for me. Whatever I digress.

Um, I found myself on Twitter and in the course of setting it up I synced my contacts.

Yours was the only one which I might have been interested in, I hesitated knowing I wouldn’t be serious in anything like a permanent follow. Damn. The idea of a request for that was so daunting I couldn’t even think about it. And last minute I was drawn to click the little picture. The one of your car.

Which I was suprised to see was the only thing I could see. Damn. You’d blocked me. And on a site I never even used. That’s commitment. I hate to see my old facebook then. You know the one I never use which you never unfriended me on, not for years after that whole debacle.

 

I stared at your car, beloved old thing. And felt my heart crack and bleed for the first time in ages. I didn’t realize it had been hardened like stone until that moment. Now I felt something strong there for the first time. Pain. Like betrayal and surprise and that moist feeling in your throat before you cry.

Damn.

I don’t think I’I’ve felt that hurt in a while. All that time, I knew you never blocked me once. I sorta built up in my head this paragon of kindness, who didn’t deserve what I put him through. Who suffered it with unwavering aplomb and elegant demeanour. Smh.

I tried to put myself down again, like usual, automatically imagining the event from your point of view, which really made me color myself horribly, like a grotesque version of me as both villian and resident crazy, … but this time I stopped. I realize I’ve changed a lot since then. I might still feel shame for my actions, but I can’t feel guilt anymore. In fact the more I write the more it fades. I rationalize now in kind with new beliefs. We both did agree to bring out in each other what happened. And me, I was more broken than I ever knew. But it wasn’t wrong. It was … Perhaps the darkest time in my life. The darkest I’ve ever sunk to. Perhaps what they mean when they say ‘Dark Night of the Soul’.

I worry if it gets worse than that.

However even my newfound peace and forgiveness does recognize a pattern. My closest relationships end inevitably with someone blocking me, and usually me them. Oh the wonders of social media.

I used to write you and apologize. Wallow in my guilt and wail it all out upon the ears I remember being so … Willing. What you gave me, can never be replaced. Regardless of anything you or I ever did, you gave me acceptance, for the first time. You gave me support. And there was, I don’t know if you remember, but I felt for the first time, some admiration come my way. Way back before things went sour I mean. If it weren’t for you I would have never survived my relationships after. Maybe even my life after.

Thank you so much for that.

And I realize now something else. Those other relationships, all of them, even with my family … They all gave me something. Even my ex who hurt me worst of all, loved me best. I was thinking of her today, missing her as a person. And then laughing at myself for forgetting how horribly she treated me. And still having to force myself to recall each and every moment of ill treatment to keep the picture of her balanced, to keep myself from swinging into a pining mood.

I realize now it doesn’t matter how she treated me. The memories of love linger more strongly. And of you, even stronger than my own actions, the first spark of pure unadultered friendship. My family, my mother, might hurt more to think on and delve into but I’m sure there is a lot she gave I don’t want to acknowledge right now out of anger. And that is okay too.

In fact. Let me offer something back to you, X. Let me help you as you once did me.

I accept you don’t want to hear from me. And that is perfectly okay.

Scene: White

The last time I saw you. I saw that whole scene with a certain bias against myself. And you saw it .. Differently. Your different perspective adds to what actually happened in my mind.

The first time I saw myself shunted off to the side. Used and forgotten. For a better replacement.

The second time I saw you unable to speak your request and hesitant to expect.

The first time was my experience. The second yours.

The truth?

I left. Because I was scared. And I walked away and saw what I wanted to see. And I let it hurt us both. And you were silent and did not use your voice. And it hurt us both.

The truth?

Frozen and fled. We gave into fear. And that colored the scene. Remove the color and you have …

Opportunity.

I spoke unkindly to you, last we spoke. I feel that I was too harsh and my conscience has been giving me grief over it. I must apologize. Please understand, I am on the verge of being who I want to be and balanced on the fence of who I was. I understand and see, and often feel both sides. I know how I feel when lost in the hurt of the past. I know how I feel when it is all forgiven. I prefer that place but … To feel your hurt over the past come creeping into your life and health .. I felt it in like kind. I love you. I don’t say it so you can be reminded, Laura. I say it because it expresses the very depth of what you mean to me. And it expresses it not. Because I feel so much more. I feel hope and light and harmony. I feel softness and love and comfort. I feel tears, they move beneath the subject and I can’t tell if they make me sad or glad, if they are an upwelling of good or grief. I just know, my life feels blurred without you. Like I am at the bottom of the sea seeing through it. And happiness clears up that view. And still the weight of emotions, now crystal clear, sit upon me oceans deep.

 

I have given up the hurt, Laura. Forgiveness you might call it. Now I just crave peace. But I don’t know where to look for it, when you are in my thoughts, and only there. I feel at peace with my actions. I don’t feel at peace without you. I cannot move on. Or rather, I have not. And what I have done, perhaps to my detriment, is keep alive a small kernel of hope which says, ‘You are the love of my life. There must be a way.’ 

love needs the light.

its like I loved,

in a dark place.

she was my heart,

before her I didn’t know

I had one. she grew there,

in my chest, like a feathered

thing, a beating drum,

and she showed it to me.

she showed me what a heart

is. she showed me

and I learned

and I surpassed her.

 

she left me,

in a dark place.

when she left I

perceived

she took the light

with her, and I was alone.

and I still had my heart,

which was her

and it ached

in the absence of her.

and it beat sluggishly,

inconsistently,

intermittently.

I could feel it in my chest,

hear it in my skin,

the flutter of it’s magnanimity,

made me worry.

 

I forgave her,

and I blamed her,

and I bade her,

return to me.

but only silently,

and she,

she never did,

until I had become

happy,

and she sad

and I was moved on.

 

and then she wrote,

me claimed love

for me, spoke

love for me,

achingly,

wantingly,

and I was angry,

and I was pain,

and I was scared,

and I refused her.

 

and I left her

in a dark place.

get out, I said,

yourself.

I did.

 

and when she’d gone

silent I remembered

how I loved,

how my heart,

beat as her,

personified as her,

and that I loved her.

 

and how it just wasn’t

enough, to love

in the dark. love

needs light

to grow.

Healing Self Through Spirit Journey: Lessons Learned

Crying is an adventure in release.

Rejection begets rejection — instead embrace.

Only in a full body bow does one regain. Surrender (yourself). Honor (another). Humbleness (become). Each is interchangeable.

A broken body (ghost of) may over lap the physical. Clean away the broken body and keep ill health (in spirit) away from the physical.

A whole spirit body reflects a whole physical.

At the heart of human interaction remains not communication but pain. Pain is inflicted upon us, pain we inflict on others, and pain we inflict upon ourselves; this remains what we transfer, what we pass back and forth like disease. However, the pain we both give and take is not in aid of speaking to another, although some would argue its ‘a cry for help’. It is a cry for help, but it is a cry for help to ourselves. We must, first, before any heartfelt interaction, have full respectful communication with ourselves. If we have learned not to hurt the self which remains so close always we will not attempt to hurt it through another, in social interaction. This is the heart of the matter, the center, the soul. To relate to others on any level, but especially familial, platonic, and romantic, we must have learned how to have healed. Self healing is all healing. A doctor or medicine man or woman or an healer of any kind only does the healing at your behest, your need, your asking. In essence you heal yourself. The pain is a manifestation of your asking. You request the healing. And you do the healing. A doctor or healer only guides the physical or emotional or mental or spiritual body into the state of natural health which is its default. This ill body must do the healing itself, out of want and will. The doctor may dole out medicine, use energy, perfom a miracle but the healing in itself is not miracle, it is practical. It remains all you are capable of being, at any given time, did you only know you could be. The doctor is mere guide, just as the spirit animal you meet on a journey is mere guide, just as an emotion or sensation is mere guide. Therefore delve, I encourage you, into the deepest pain filled recesses of your psyche. Find all the hurt bodies there. Heal and release that pain. Once you have let it go, there goes the need to hurt others, intentionally or not. Then you find the relationships you hold near you will bring you only the beauty and connection you enjoy and the arguments and little pains  which keep you so separate will be far away.


How I achieved these results and lessons.

Using a Native American drumming mp3 I took myself into a mediation, a spirit journey. It is called entering the big dream. I went into the big dream already having asked what I need to learn from the spirits. What I needed to do. Briefly I will summarize: I wrote down on paper all the names of people I have had a relationship with that affected me strongly in my life. I then proceeded to use one word descriptions and make a list below each name. Then when the whole thing was finished I tallied the words which repeated ending in five. This was to be an exorcise to heal what I need within myself to allow the kinds of relationships I want in my life. I have noticed a pattern where I disallow myself the very things I say I want from my relationships. Seeing on paper all the reoccurring things which I do ‘allow’ all subconsciously was eye opening. So, for this journey, I went into it asking for help with these specific problems in aid of allowing the relationships I want in my life.

Also a thing to note from a previous mediation done years ago I am aware my lesson in this lifetime is ‘Allowance’ as opposed to ‘Disallowance’. That conclusion was also found from a similar exercise.

Upon entering the big dream I found the cave where I would meet my spirit guide. In journeying imagination is a stepping stone into the spirit world, the best way to jump, so to speak. You begin with detailed imagining of a cave in the ground you must visualize and enter. You must completely immerse yourself in five sensory details  in the imagining. Then, when the spirit guides shows, allow its form to take whatever is closest to an animal you can bring to mind. Sometimes the spirit guide takes on an elemental form. The best way to interpret the spirits form, I’ve found, is through animal. For me, always these journeys are healing and accurate to the need.


It is not another’s job to heal you; just as it is not another’s job to not hurt you. Both responsibilities belong to you. Even your psychiatrist cannot heal all the hurts which lie in you. In fact I guarantee they cannot heal you at all. They can only show you the path towards wellness, it is all any doctor can do . Weather it is a spiritual journey or a physical one, it is always in your power to heal. All you must do to begin is ask.

Enjoy the Journey